Slightly OT-Tool Descriptions

John Sabato · 12-10-2008, 10:43 AM

I know many of you probably have seen this definition list before, but if you haven't... for someone who is handy with their hands, it is one of the funniest lists I have seen in a long time. I copied it from one of the other forums I frequent - (The Home Shop Machinist forum)... Enjoy! and if you have any to add to the list, please do!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted sheet metal which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Jack Lawman · 12-10-2008, 01:11 PM

Great list... how about:
DREMEL: A handheld device used to create a semi-circular running gouge in finished metal adjacent to a drilled hole which needs deburring or chamfering.

Jack

rolandtg · 12-10-2008, 06:52 PM

Brilliant list!

I own one of those Craftsman 24 inch prybars....

lugerholsterrepair · 12-10-2008, 08:33 PM

HAHA! Good list John, I think I could add to some of the descriptions!

Jerry Burney

wlyon · 12-10-2008, 10:10 PM

Very funny John. Here's a few that relate to firearms.
MINT CONDITION - Condition as manufactured, with all original finish.
MINTY CONDITION - As above, except for a few areas of deep pits.
ACTION NEEDS TUNING - Internal parts broken or missing; will never function as it should.
A LITTLE ROUGH - Vaguely resembles a gun.
GOOD FOR ITS AGE - NRA poor to awful.
$350 VALUE FOR ONLY $250 - Now only twice what it's worth.
GENUINELY OLD - Assembled in the Far East before 1980.
MUCH ORIGINAL FINISH - In the deeper crevices.
SOME ORIGINAL FINISH - Under the grips.
SHOWS HONEST WEAR - Used as a hammer by an early settler.
VERY GOOD BORE - Traces of rifling among the pits.
GOOD BORE - Pits form a spiral.
FAIR BORE - You can see light through it.
POOR BORE - You can't see light through it.
NEEDS A LITTLE WORK - Beyond repair.
TIGHT - Thanks to epoxy cement.
HAIRLINE CRACK - You can see light through it.
SMALL CHIP OUT OF STOCK - Enough wood missing to cook a campfire meal.
NICE PATINA - Solid coat of rust.
SOME WOOD REPAIR - Stock replaced.
REPRESENTATIVE PIECE - Still resembles a gun.
GOOD SHOOTER - For the suicidal.
PRE-REVOLUTIONARY - Made before some revolution, but not the American.
PROBABLY CONFEDERATE - Probably not.
NAVAL VARIATION - From a Portsmouth or San Diego pawn shop.
WORN FINISH - Markings gone.
NEEDS TIGHTENING - Everything's loose.
SOME PARTS REPLACED - Some may be original.
ARMORY RECONDITIONED - Belt sander special.
ALL NUMBERS MATCH - They didn't used to, but they do now.
REASONABLE OFFERS CONSIDERED - I'm desperate.

From the 5th Edition Gun Collector's Digest

12-10-2008, 10:43 AM	#1
John Sabato Lifer Lifetime Forum Patron Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: The Capital of the Free World Posts: 10,155 Thanks: 3,003 Thanked 2,308 Times in 1,098 Posts	Slightly OT-Tool Descriptions I know many of you probably have seen this definition list before, but if you haven't... for someone who is handy with their hands, it is one of the funniest lists I have seen in a long time. I copied it from one of the other forums I frequent - (The Home Shop Machinist forum)... Enjoy! and if you have any to add to the list, please do! DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted sheet metal which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. __________________ regards, -John S "...We hold these truths to be self-evident that ALL men are created EQUAL *and are endowed by their Creator* with certain UNALIENABLE* rights, and among these are life, LIBERTY, and the pursuit of happiness..."*

12-10-2008, 01:11 PM	#2
Jack Lawman User Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Near NYC Posts: 428 Thanks: 30 Thanked 64 Times in 37 Posts	Great list... how about: DREMEL: A handheld device used to create a semi-circular running gouge in finished metal adjacent to a drilled hole which needs deburring or chamfering. Jack __________________ Why do you guys hate black circles so much?

12-10-2008, 08:33 PM	#4
lugerholsterrepair Moderator Lifetime Forum Patron Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Arizona/Colorado Posts: 7,775 Thanks: 4,995 Thanked 3,133 Times in 1,439 Posts	HAHA! Good list John, I think I could add to some of the descriptions! Jerry Burney __________________ Jerry Burney 11491 S. Guadalupe Drive Yuma AZ 85367-6182 lugerholsterrepair@earthlink.net 928 342-7583 (CO & AZ) Year Round 719 207-3331 (cell) "For those who Fight For It, Life has a flavor the protected will never know."

12-10-2008, 10:10 PM	#5
wlyon Lifer 2X Lifetime Forum Patron Join Date: May 2005 Location: Somewhere in Montana Posts: 2,652 Thanks: 3,210 Thanked 2,613 Times in 969 Posts	Very funny John. Here's a few that relate to firearms. MINT CONDITION - Condition as manufactured, with all original finish. MINTY CONDITION - As above, except for a few areas of deep pits. ACTION NEEDS TUNING - Internal parts broken or missing; will never function as it should. A LITTLE ROUGH - Vaguely resembles a gun. GOOD FOR ITS AGE - NRA poor to awful. $350 VALUE FOR ONLY $250 - Now only twice what it's worth. GENUINELY OLD - Assembled in the Far East before 1980. MUCH ORIGINAL FINISH - In the deeper crevices. SOME ORIGINAL FINISH - Under the grips. SHOWS HONEST WEAR - Used as a hammer by an early settler. VERY GOOD BORE - Traces of rifling among the pits. GOOD BORE - Pits form a spiral. FAIR BORE - You can see light through it. POOR BORE - You can't see light through it. NEEDS A LITTLE WORK - Beyond repair. TIGHT - Thanks to epoxy cement. HAIRLINE CRACK - You can see light through it. SMALL CHIP OUT OF STOCK - Enough wood missing to cook a campfire meal. NICE PATINA - Solid coat of rust. SOME WOOD REPAIR - Stock replaced. REPRESENTATIVE PIECE - Still resembles a gun. GOOD SHOOTER - For the suicidal. PRE-REVOLUTIONARY - Made before some revolution, but not the American. PROBABLY CONFEDERATE - Probably not. NAVAL VARIATION - From a Portsmouth or San Diego pawn shop. WORN FINISH - Markings gone. NEEDS TIGHTENING - Everything's loose. SOME PARTS REPLACED - Some may be original. ARMORY RECONDITIONED - Belt sander special. ALL NUMBERS MATCH - They didn't used to, but they do now. REASONABLE OFFERS CONSIDERED - I'm desperate. From the 5th Edition Gun Collector's Digest __________________ Bill Lyon

12-10-2008, 06:52 PM	#3
rolandtg User Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 479 Thanks: 388 Thanked 265 Times in 114 Posts	Brilliant list! I own one of those Craftsman 24 inch prybars....